Full of grace
by insert witty
Summary: Taito, shounen ai. Convinced his father hates him and that he's nothing but trouble to everyone, Yamato wants to leave, but what about Taichi?


Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon! *briefly wonders how many times she's written that since she started writing fanfics* ^_^

A/N:I'm back again! I know, I know, it's been ages… literally. But please forgive me! You've probably forgotten all about me anyway, but oh well. This fic is inspired by a song with the same name by Sarah McLachlan, and I began writing it almost a year ago exactly. Please read, and I hope you'll enjoy!

**Full of Grace **by ThatGirl

The cold air sent shivers down my spine, even though I was wearing the winter coat. The night wasn't one of those crystal clear ones; clouds so thick that no stars could be seen covered the sky, preventing even the moon from being able to offer any light at all to the world below. I wished I was inside again, but there was no way that I would go back now. Shrugging my shoulders, trying to get the rucksack to lie in a better position on my tired back, I picked up the guitar case again, and began walking slowly.  
My dad had most likely gotten home now. Or then again, maybe not. I didn't quite know when he would be working late or not. Not that I should care, anyway. Not anymore.   
I shivered. 

It was so cold…

I should have taken more clothes… Or gotten a better coat. This old garment still fit, it was even a little too big, but it had always been like that. Anyway, the freezing weather was working its way through all of my clothes rather fast. My fingers had gone numb a long time before my toes had, though.

I sighed. The weight of my most precious and necessary belongings in the rucksack wasn't anything in comparison to how heavy my heart felt. A part of me didn't want to leave. If only things were different… I hoped that one day they would be, but that day wasn't here yet.

An icy flake suddenly touched my face and instantly melted, running down my cheek like a teardrop. It was snowing… Takeru would be happy tomorrow when he woke up. He always loved to pull the curtains away from the window and see the first snow outside. It looked like if it was going to be much too. In only a few moments the tiny snowflakes had made the night white and unclear.

It was beautiful, but not good for me. I would freeze if I didn't find anywhere to go soon.

"Yamato?" That was Taichi's voice.

Taichi… Why had he had to spot me? I couldn't let him know…

I barely made out a vague figure running towards me, almost hidden by the swirling snow. "Is that you? What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing", I said. He just laughed and leaned to kiss me, but I turned away my head so that the kiss ended up on my cheek instead of my lips. He looked at me with hurt in his wonderful, warm chocolate eyes. I hated myself that instant. I didn't even dare to look him in the eye, being afraid that everything I was would give in, and I would fall, clawing for something solid to hold on to, but that I couldn't find… 

"Yamato, why..?" Taichi began, but then he noticed the rucksack and my guitar case. "Where are you going?" 

I bit my lip, still not facing him.

"I…" I didn't know what to say. Why had he had to come? "I…" I repeated feebly.   
Taichi was growing both impatient and worried. I could almost feel it myself.

"You what?"

"He found out, okay!" I raised my voice to something between ordinary speech and a scream. Unwanted tears welled up in my eyes.

"What do you mean? Who found out what?"

"My dad… He knows"

"About us?"

I nodded weakly.  
"Last night. He went totally mad, started screaming at me and…" I didn't want to remember, didn't want to think about it. "And I, uh, I locked myself in my room and didn't come out until this morning when he had gone to work. I've never heard him scream like that ever, except at my mum before they decided to get a divorce…" The tears started rolling down from my eyes, hot and burning. I was so pathetic…

"Shh…" Taichi hushed. He probably didn't know what to do, but then he gently cupped my face in his hands and made me look at him. I hissed faintly at the sting. "What..?" Taichi removed his hand and saw the ugly, red bruise on my cheek. He gritted his teeth as he examined it, eyes full of inwardly pain. I let him, because I didn't have the energy to bother to push him away. I wished I could just lean back and fall. I'm sure he would have caught me before I hit the ground. I wanted to sleep off all the problems.

"Did he… do this?" 

I knew who he meant with "he".

"Yes", I whispered.

Taichi cursed quietly under his breath.

"Last night?"

"Yes…"

He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, and I dropped the guitar case on the ground. It landed in the thin layer of snow with a soft thud. The second I felt Taichi's strong chest against my own, my last barrier broke down, and sniveling, pitiable sobs racked through me.

"You're freezing", he murmured and opened his jacket, pulling me into the warmth of his body. Once again, I simply let him, not finding the strength or the will to reject him. 

My face against his shoulder, I cried and cried and cried, and he held me and held me and held me, trying to offer some tenderness for my soul. I loved him for that. Bit by bit, the sobs subsided, until we just stood there, hugging one another tightly. We must've looked like one single person, a person with an unusual body shape, but still, one person. It is rare to feel that utterly close to somebody, but right then, I did. I felt that Taichi didn't want to let go of me either. How wonderful it would be if we would just lift from the ground, and fly up, up and away, far away from everything bad down here.

But we couldn't.

I reluctantly backed a little, loosening our embrace around each other.

"I'm sorry…" I said. "I'm so sorry…" I wiped away another tear that somehow had escaped my closed eyes. I opened them, and saw Taichi's eyes searching mine, and yet again, I turned away my head. I bent down and picked up the guitar case from the ground. It had already been covered by some of the frail ice crystals that were falling from the sky.

"Yama…" He reached out a hand, just a little. I looked up from where I was still crouching on the ground sweeping the snow off the case, and took it, let my lips brush delicately over his fingertips, and then I rose.

"I can't…"

"Are you leaving?"

I nodded, drawing a shaky breath. "Yes"

"Will you at least let me know why?"

"You heard me before, he knows. He hates me"

"Maybe he was just shocked, I don't think he hates you."

"He does! Just as much as he hated my mother, he hates me now!"

"He doesn't. He's your dad, he doesn't." Taichi grasped my hands.

"Stop it… You're only making it harder…" I tried to wriggle free, but his grip was firm. He wasn't letting me go. 

"I. Don't. Care." His lip started to quiver slightly, and I could see tears forming in his eyes.

_Please, no, no, no…_, I begged silently in my mind. I was only causing trouble and problems for everyone…

"Why, Yamato? What about everyone else? Have you even thought of how Takeru will feel? What if I hadn't come here, huh? What about me?" he shouted, his voice breaking.

It felt hard to even breathe. Almost as if I was choking on the aching lump in my throat.

"It's better this way…I only cause you problems", I told him, biting back the pain in my chest… in my heart. "This is exactly how I was afraid things would turn out. They'll all loathe us, so it's better this way. Everything we say, everything we do, it'll all just hurt everybody the more, and if I go, maybe they'll never know, and you'll—"

"I'll what?" 

I sniffed miserably.

"I don't know… It's just that… Maybe this was never meant to last. Maybe it was just a mistake from the beginning, because, well, what if the others react just like dad? I'd rather die than having you…" I trailed off, but then continued. "What would happen if they did, Taichi? I'd have ruined your life… We can't keep it a secret, no matter how hard we try…"

My words were muffled by Taichi's sweet lips pressing harshly against my own ones. He slid the backpack off my shoulders and leaned me backwards, supporting me with is arms and hands around my waist and upper back. I dropped the guitar case for a second time when he hungrily plunged his tongue into my mouth, probing, caressing, tasting. I couldn't stop myself from moaning, both out of surprise and pleasure. The kiss was dazzling, exhilarating, but overall too rough. When we at length pulled apart, I was gasping for oxygen.

"Don't talk like that", Taichi whispered between his own breathless intakes of air. 

I was still so stunned by the kiss I only nodded meekly.

Taichi clenched and unclenched his jaw; a sign of that he was unsure or nervous about something.

"I should've told you right when I saw you, that what why I was coming here," he said, "but I do know our friends are okay with it."  
I didn't dare to feel any release yet. 

"How?"

"Takeru and Daisuke were visiting Hikari when she was ill last night, and they found out." I think he felt my apprehension, because he hurried to say, "But they told me that they're completely okay with it, they were only a little surprised that we had kept it a secret. They weren't bothered by it at all."

"They weren't?" I asked, more or less as in disbelief. 

"In fact, Daisuke told me that he kind of had a thing for Ken."

I laughed a little at that. A small, relieved laugh.

"See?" Taichi stroked my hair.

"What about the others?"

"Yama, none of our friends have ever said anything homophobic. I think they'll all be just fine with it." He made a short pause. "Well, except for Sora, because she's got a thing for you."

"She doesn't!"

"I hope not, because you're unavailable, right?" Taichi grinned at me, and I actually smiled back.

"So I am."

Then the expression in his eyes changed. He brought up a hand and touched the bruise on my cheek. I sighed quietly. 

"I still can't believe he did this", Taichi murmured.

"Never mind it. What's already done can't get undone, right?"

"I guess not, but..."

He glanced down at my hand that he still held and began toying with it a little, rubbing it between his own two ones.

"You're not going to get any warmer by standing here all night." he said is a more cheerful tone, trying to rid the dark mood that had settled a little.  
"I guess not." I gave an oblique smile and we simultaneously moved closer, and closer and closer… Ever so slowly, the distance between our faces grew smaller. I could feel his breath on my lips, and…

"YAMATO!"

I jumped and we pulled apart. I looked about us, but couldn't see anyone, as the snow was falling so thickly, hiding almost everything in our surroundings, almost as if we were the only ones there at all. But apparently, that wasn't what we were. The somewhat distant voice yelled once more: "YAMATO!"

It belonged to my dad.

"YAMATO, WHERE ARE YOU?" Fear, worry, and almost desperation were clearly heard in the tone. "Yamato…" he repeated more hushed, brokenly.

I looked at Taichi, he looked at me. Dad, wherever he was, took more air into his lungs, not ready to give up just yet.

"YAMATO!"

"Dad…?" I said uncertainly, not very loud at all.

Dad's shouts continued.

"Dad!" I raised my voice.

For a while, neither one of us made a sound. I stepped forward and felt Taichi squeezing my hand. Then I think we heard running footsteps, hurrying towards us. 

"Yamato!" dad yelled. He finally appeared out of the swirling snow curtains in the air. "God, Yamato, I'm so sorry!" In no less than a second, he was hugging me tightly, almost as if though he was trying to make sure I was really here. Taichi refused to let go of my hand.

"I don't know what came over me last night, please son, you have to forgive me. I know you probably hate me now, and you have all the right to, but I'm so sorry. God, I thought I was too late, when I came home and you weren't there, and I saw the note, God, I-I'm so sorry…" He kept on mumbling, and I just stood there, not knowing what to do. It was not like dad to get this emotional, to get this emotional with words, or to get this emotional with human contact either, such as hugs, at all. He more like never did anything like this.

"I, uh, I…" was all I managed to get out.

Taichi was still clutching my hand protectively.

Dad's apologies kept on raining out of his mouth along with words of how much he cared about me and of how little he cared about the fact that I loved Taichi.

What could I have done?  
Hug dad back, telling him that I did want to forgive him? Push him off me, squeeze Taichi's hand back, and dad to get lost? Shake both of them off me, yelling at them to give some space?

There were loads of different ways I could have acted, but I was too shocked to actually get my body in motion.

Dad's words eventually slowed, and he loosened his arms around me, giving me some air. For a moment, I almost thought I could se tears in his eyes, but then, if there had been any, he blinked them away.

"Yamato?"

"I…" I said again. I did not know what to say, what could I have said? Never before have I ever had such a loss for words.

Then, as though for the first time, dad's eyes reverted to Taichi. The grip on my hand tightened as the stare fixed. But to my relief there were no hatred in it, like I had feared. Just the same sort of unraveled defenselessness that he had looked at me with, and I realized that he really did regret his words earlier. It was thankfulness he had in his eyes when he gazed at Taichi.

Taichi opened his mouth, but dad was faster.

"I'm sorry," he blurted. "I'm sorry. I should have never… I never should have…" he trailed off a little, taking a deep breath, "I know you love him. And that's all that matters." 

Taichi and I stared at him. My father is not at all a man of many words, but these were unusually earnest coming from him.

"I never should have said any of those things to you, Matt. I don't know why I did it, I don't know where they came from, but please, forgive me…" His eyebrows knitted together and I was afraid he would start crying for real this time. I dumbly squeezed his shoulder.

"It's okay, dad-"

Surprisingly, it was Taichi who cut me off.

"No!" he yelled with sudden fury. "It's not 'okay'." Turning to dad, he scowled. "You can't just apologize as if it was nothing! You're his dad, that's no way to treat your son, no matter what! It's like a commitment, if you're a parent you have to love your kid unconditionally or else you're just… you're just despicable!"

Wide eyed, I gawked from him to dad. Taichi had always had a lot of respect for him, even to the point where I almost thought he was scared of him. However, right now, it appeared as the roles were reversed and for the first time in my life, I saw tears rolling down my father's cheeks. Taichi seemed to be shocked, though he did not change his expression or turn away.

"I'm sorry…" dad sobbed. "I know, I know, and I'm so, so sorry…"

Swallowing he tried to force the tears to an end.

"I know there's no excuse…" he managed, his voice choked and strangely raspy. "But… please… just, forgive me… I do understand it's hard, and I'm not saying you have to, but please…" Once again he faltered and fell silent, looking at both Taichi and I.

I glanced at the chocolate eyes by my side before speaking.

"I do", I said. "All those stuff you said, it was really… just…just…" I couldn't find the word. "But I do. Forgive you, I mean… I guess…"

The muscles in dad's face twitched strangely, as though he was trying hard not to cry nor to smile.

"Thank you", he whispered, then glanced at Taichi, who simply nodded slightly. Dad mirrored the move in the same fashion. 

A thick, awkward, but nonetheless relieved hush fell upon us. After a while I started shivering slightly, finally realizing the chill of the night.

"It's getting pretty cold", I said, the crispy winter air almost cracking as I broke the silence. At some point during the time, the skies had cleared, a few clouds breaking apart so that the moon shone through. A handful of stars glittered on the velvet dark blue. 

"And late", Taichi agreed. "Mum and dad'll be wondering where I am."

"They're probably worried", dad said, after checking his wristwatch. "And we should go home."  
I nodded. Taichi still looked more worried about me that the fact that he would not be on time.

Dad at last got the hint, and quickly said, "I guess you two want some minutes alone." He put his cold hands in his pockets and wandered away a few meters, seating himself on a bench nearby. 

Stepping a bit closer to me, so that he would not have to talk so loud, Taichi took hold of my hand a second time, starting to rub the warmth back in it. It did little good, but I didn't care.

"Are you sure you'll be fine?" he asked me.

"Yeah", I said. "I'm really sorry too… that I… well, almost did what I was going to do."

"Don't be."

I looked down, although at that moment a thought struck me.

"Hey", I said. "Where did you get those things you said from? You sounded like some kind of doctor Phil or something." I quirked an eyebrow.

Taichi chuckled softly. "It's from my mum. But I don't know where the heck she gets it from!"

I smiled. The moment after that I felt his lips against mine. Tensing for a second, I thought of dad, but the next one he did not seem so important as Taichi moved his hands around my head and neck, sighing contently into my mouth.

The kiss broke, and the outside world suddenly existed once more.

"I think I love you." I said.

"I think I love you too."

I had to kiss him again.

A/N: What did you think? Please review!  


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